Boy To Girl - Man To Woman - Or Something Like That...

Its taken quite some time getting all of this off of my chest, 31 years to be exact. All of this self questioning, wondering if I should go through with transitioning, Wondering if it was going to be worth all of the extra stress and adversity. If you could, imagine leading everyone in your life that you've ever loved through a dark cave as one person. Upon reappearing at the other side of the tunnel, you look completely different to them all. Though, at the core of my being, the same person.. I find it truly amazing when I read such nice words in regards to these thoughts turned digital. It makes such a difference to know that these thoughts are being read and that this idea of how someone can live for so long hiding essentially an unbelievably huge part of who they are to even the closest of people is heard. I am not alone in this. I am not the only one like this.. There are many, many people in a similar state of mind and being that haven't found the strength to be who they "really" are. Stuck for whatever reason it may be, living a life not really their own. I am truly thankful every, single, day, that I can now wake up and leave my bed as myself. I still haven't yet gotten over some of the anxieties associated with my physical transition yet. I am sure that will come with time though as I do notice it less and less. Undoubtedly, a large reason for that has do to the amazing people in my life both friends and family.

Reminiscing my high school days always brings a smile to my face no matter what mood I'm in. As free as a spirit could be is the feeling I still get to this day when remembering those memories. The first couple of years were spent with the sole focus of laughing as much as humanly possible. At that time life offered what I can only describe as laugh attacks! Times spent rolling around hysterically at parties, even unable to physically stop! Then it happened, as it did in so many other lives. You meet someone. Mid-way through high school I began a relationship with a girl. (Which brings up another topic related to this that I'm sure to go over in the near future.) This was someone who I, for the first time, shared this emotional connection with that I'd never had until then. Someone who even after a day spent at school together, still wanted to hear their voice, to hear them breath even. What was this strange feeling, this wanting, this feeling of needing the other person around all the time. This emptiness I felt when they weren't around. I loved this girl, and she loved me. Just as a child grows though, so to does a relationship. I would liken it to a ship crossing an ocean, much of the way being spent cruising across a mirror like surface with the odd ripple or small wave. Occasionally though the sea's do get wavy and the end result is sink or swim. I look back on that pat of my life and in ways feel some feelings of betrayal in the manner to which it ended. I am however thankful at the same time to have made the decision to end it. She was the first person to whom I shared my thoughts in regards to my situation internally and the battle with who I was. She wasn't very supportive of it. And to be honest I understand where it comes from. She didn't like the clean shaven legs, she didn't like the fact that I wanted to look more feminine and she certainly didn't like the idea of me having breast augmentation surgery!  There are many more eyes on you when you differ so much from "the norm" and it takes a strong character to deal with all the attention. As my beautiful girlfriend said to me a month or two ago while in the mall  together for the first time "I feel like celebrity!!" The eyes aren't always on me now, they're also on my girlfriend, friend or , or family even. 

So whats the first thing people always ask me. Well that's a pretty easy thing to answer. Even with all of the LGBT movements going on in in recent years, gender and sexuality seem to still be intertwined for the most part. The first question I normally get is; So do you like men now? Well for me anyway, the answer is no. Ive never been attracted to men on a physical basis. Ive always been attracted to females. Never quite got that feeling of attraction when looking at guys. Gender and sexuality are two completely separate things, I cant stress that enough! I supose if you had to label me, trans-lesbian would fit the bill. man I hate labels!!  Till next time! Birthday to celebrate, maybe the birthday candles will be generous this year and provide some birthday boobies :) One can only dream!!!

To be continued...