Boobie Tuesday!!!! Dreams achieved!!!

Buster my therapy dog :)

Happy eight week old boobies!! Over the past few weeks of healing I've been taking notice and noting the changes that I have been experiencing and thought that maybe my experiences could possibly help someone in a similar situation as myself who's thinking of having breast augmentation surgery. Just to note, these are my own personal experiences in regards to my recovery.

The Waking..
Awaking from a narcotic induced sleep is an interesting experience. Your senses seem to come alive one by one. First your sight, like a layer of thin sheets being pulled off one by one until you regain focus over the course of what seemed like a few minutes or so. My sense of hearing was also slightly muffled as I awoke, as if my ears were full of cotton balls. It didn't take long however to realise that there was something different about how my chest felt. Slightly constricted, tingly in certain area but for the most part numb, however the new weight on my chest was a feeling that I had dreamt of having my whole life. The nurse was the first person I saw followed by the doctor, they both stood there smiling at me for a few seconds then proceeded to bring my girlfriend in the recovery room. The amount of happiness and emotion that flowed through me the moment she entered the room was something I will never forget till the day I physically leave this planet. Her smile and beautiful eyes broke me down the second our eyes met. Tears rolled down my cheeks as she came to my bedside to hold me and we smiled there, together..


Recovery...
Now by my personal choice I decided before the surgery that I was not going to take painkillers during the healing process. My theory is that I would rather be sober and able to listen to what my body is telling me rather than be numb to the signals my body is sending. It proved to be a great choice in the end as I was able to recover extremely quickly and to get back to a very physically demanding workplace within three weeks of surgery. For my recovery, we planned to stay with my girlfriends parents for the week as I had to do a follow-up three days after surgery to have drains removed before we travelled back to my hometown. The night of surgery was what I would call uncomfortable. The biggest issue I had with recovery was sleeping, due to being limited to only being able to sleep on my back. I was only able to sleep on my sides four to five days after the procedure due to the tightness of my skin. Getting dressed was also a trying activity. With my range of motion being severely limited, getting dressed was shall I say, difficult and having the extra help of my girlfriend proved to be invaluable! The day after surgery was a stiff one. Again having someone with you to help with every day easy-to-reach tasks is very helpful! For the rest of the week my boobs would be tightly bound by tensor bands and I would wear a sports bra over them until my drains were removed. Now with the drains, I was having to log the amount of fluid and time of day every time I drained the fluid which was no big deal. Day by day as the week progressed there were noticeable gains in range of motion and flexibility and by day three I was finally able to lift my arms over my head once again. On the follow up day we entered my surgeons office to have the drains removed and have the "girls" checked over before we departed from the big city of Toronto. Having the drains removed was slightly discomforting with the remaining holes(one for each side) being sealed by a water tight surgical tape which I would need to change until the incisions were fully healed every other day along with the implant incision as well.

Week To Week Progress..
 Going into surgery my bra size was a small A cup which was a huge benefit in regards to be able to fit a larger implant than was originally planed due to having more skin and breast tissue available to stretch. The results are quite amazing to say the least as pictures will show. Having gone as big as my skin would physically allow meant that the changes in the coming months would be quite dramatic as well. What began as large, firm round orbs atop my chest slowly began to settle, soften and plump up. In the 3 weeks following surgery I would go from a D to a DD solely based on the skin stretching. Issues that arise from loss of feeling due to nerve stretch and damage as a result of the augmentation are different again from person to person. For myself, the numbness began to subside on the fourth day after surgery. It came back first on my right side with the left side about a week behind. The one thing that I am very happy about as a side effect of the augmentation is an increased sensitivity to touch which is rather nice I might add.  Sitting at eight weeks now as I type this, the transformations are still happening. There is still some shaping happening, there is still changes is skin feeling as well. Another thing to add to this would be the fact that I am and have been on HRT(Hormone Replacement Therapy) so changes that are happening with the surgery are coinciding with the changes from the hormones. This whole event and adventure has truly been a dream that I HAVE realised!! It has taken a lifetime to happen but the point being is that if you truly have a dream or achievement that you wish to live, is to buckle down and do whatever it takes to get it done! There are more things that I need to achieve in this for sure and this amazing event has only reinforced the idea that all those things WILL happen because that is what needs to be done!! Live your dreams, strive for them and never let anything get in your way or stop you from realising all of them!!!!!

Mïta..

Hate And The Battle to End It...

Below is a reply I made on Breast Augmentation Forum in regards to some very discriminatory and hateful words made by the moderators.

"Firstly I would like to say that I am now 7 days post-op and healing amazingly quickly thanks to my doctors amazing work(Dr. Marc Dupere) and good genes ;) On the 14th of January I had Allergen 700cc silicone overs and simply, could not be happier :) My body now matches the girl Ive for so long wished to be :) I'd like to thank all the women on here for sharing their stories and answering pretty much every question that could be thought of. Now my story is a little different than most but I know there are some of you out there like me that are/were hiding and I feel the need to bring this out in the open after having read a post in the FAQ section which kind of well, engaged me a lil bit. See link and text below.."

http://www.justbreastimplants.com/forum/forum-faq/143586-transsexual-men-forum.html

[Recently, we had a transsexual man join the forum. This member was having SRA (sexual reassignment surgery), which includes ba. While I would love to be able to provide support in these types of cases, we just can't. We just don't have the knowledge base for that. Additionally, we've done polls on the forum over the years which asked the question "Are you comfortable with men having ba being on the forum?". Each time, the very large majority votes a resounding "no". The forum has to cater to the larger majority, otherwise there is no forum without members.

We do have gay women on the forum, which no one has ever had a problem with. Men, even if they are having surgery to change their sex, still make some women uncomfortable due to the personal nature of the forum. For this reason, transsexuals are not allowed. It has nothing to do with anyone's views on the subject. On a personal note, I'm very pro when it comes to the rights of the LGBT community.

Just wanted to post and clear this up.]

Now I could go on and on about this for days in regards to the uninformed and insensitive nature of the post but will try to keep it short. Firstly, "Transsexual Men" are men who were born in a female body, just as transsexual women are women who were born in a male body. Secondly, these polls in regards to "men having BA's on the forum" does not address the issue at hand. Is goes way beyond the "bits-and-pieces" that physically differentiate the sexes. Transgendered women ARE WOMEN!!. They are not men "trying to be women" Without a doubt there are transgendered women on this forum hiding because of this very serious error in judgement on the part of the mods on this forum. These girls are looking for information just like EVERY SINGLE CIS WOMAN ON THIS FORUM!! We need to get this information out in the open because it only leads to a large group of girls on the interweb feeling the need to hide who they are when in fact they are so much like each and every one of you, looking for answers to the same question you do. I would ask that the mods remove this hateful and severely misinformed post. If I end up being banned for this, I would like to again thank all the women on here for sharing all of their great and sincere information because it has helped me and MANY transgendered women like myself, this I know for sure :)

Mïta

I would ask any anyone who reads this to visit that forum and please voice your disapproval for these discriminatory remarks in a kind and respectful manner to help fight and change the way people view this incredibly important subject. Thank you to everyone who takes the time to read this blog and act on the hateful speech.

Boob humor 101

Boob humor 101:
Everyday uses of an ample bosom
1.They make a great portable table for resting your plate/bowl while snacking on the couch
2.Catching stray food bits like popcorn from hitting the floor saves on sweeping time

3.Cuddle pillows for a sleepy child or puppy, instant sleepy eyes
4.Fantastic stress balls for yourself and partner with the side effect of increased libido
5.Somehow have become an extra grab point/anchor point for a climbing child's hands and feet, ouch
6.Hypnotic focal point for complete strangers; somehow causing random people to shut out the world around them with a funny awakening like they've risen from a dream where they were falling!! Lol 

Life, Smiles, Dreams, Love...

You know, its truly amazing just how much things can truly change in a little over six months. So much that was planned has been trumped by great opportunity. Again the path of doing what you FEEL is right, just happens to bring amazing change and beautiful things into my life. After leaving my former employment I was dead set on taking a short time off working and then look to enrol myself  into a University program, and then "this" just happened. Well, the path wasn't so straight to the point I have to admit.

First week off was spent taking some time and spending most of it outdoors, biking, hiking and swimming. All the negative was washed away in one day kayaking along the shore of lake Nipissing with Zoë in my lap. Bad energy is pulled from you with such speed outdoors, it truly is THE life filter. Too top off a week of reconnection with myself, nearing the end of it I would find out that my sister was in need of someone to watch my niece for the week :) Emoji-whatever ya call them smileys don't come close to portraying just how happy I was to hear that! Our mornings began with a trip up to the Airport to see all the planes and helicopters arriving and taking off . My niece really liked the blue helicopter, always asking me when its turn to take off would be. She also had a strange fascination with the large yellow tanker truck used to refilling the planes, always commenting on where he was going next, play by play announcer in the making over here. A long visit at a local park for some heavy duty playground activities or a walk down a wooded trail and later in the week, some of the most memorable beach fun I would have all summer :) It was at one of the park visits though, that the week would hit a high I still feel to this day and ever increasing. It was a Thursday in August where I would meet a soul so beautiful, that since that day we have become one, sharing a love that until now have only read about in story books. Joining my niece and I for the remainder of the babysitting time would be this beautiful woman and her amazing little boy. The weather was the best it had been all summer those two weeks. The beaches became our daily hangout playing in the water for hours at a time, my skin still showing the signs of ultra-violet radiation burns in the shape of a swimsuit. I feel I owe a lot to my girlfriend in certain ways. She has helped me shine, literally in some ways, brighter than ever before. She has brought so much greatness into my life that even looking back six months prior to this, I would have never conceived living such a life.


Now one would think; wow, how can things possibly get better than where they are now? Well folks I can tell you. Soon after meeting my girlfriend I had to deal with my current unemployment situation. Not knowing what was out there I decided to get my resume polished up and see what was out there for jobs. The stars have been aligned my way it seems as of late and fate would have it that I would meet my current employer, a family run business, run by great people who provide quality work and an amazing place to make a living. This place has become the final piece of the puzzle in helping a girl achieve her greatest dream. In early December I began to organise the day of my breast augmentation surgery!!! I had been in talks with an amazing doctor in Toronto Ontario two years prior to this writing, having tried to organise the procedure twice in the past to no avail. Whatever system of faith or science you believe in, for me they all came together. I had the full support of my close family, a group of people unwavering in their belief in me. The help of a best friend and his beautiful little family in aiding to watch my pup while away. The companionship and love from my four legged daughter Zoë, a crazy little white flash who's love for life mirrors her Momma Mïta. I had the support of a great employer who supported what was happening in my life without question. To back up my close family support, I also received amazing help, great food and companionship, a four legged K9 nurse and a safe place to lay our heads at night from my girlfriends beautiful family. To top off all these amazing people who would help me, I was blessed with the help, nurturing and most amazing love and devotion a girl could ever ask for from my beautiful girlfriend. On the 14 of January 2014 my dream came true and I had my breast augmentation surgery. The surgery was a great experience that I will never forget. We(my girlfriend and I) spent the early recovering days after surgery exploring downtown Toronto. So many amazing firsts socially, an amazing and perfect place to set the "big girls" free to the world. You could say that we walked with a certain "swagger" down the streets, laughing and simply taking the days one by one, hour by hour, trying not to let a single second slip away. I now sit here feeling so fulfilled and somehow complete. Surrounded by beautiful people each with a beautiful soul. I'm not sure exactly how these next few months are going to play out or even attempt to exceed the roller-coaster of amazement I been accustomed to as of late. Everywhere I look, opportunity awaits, only needing an outstretched hand to grasp the idea to help blossom amazing memories and experiences. Looking down I see dreams finally lived and looking in my arms(and bosom now)I see a beautiful woman with a beautiful child and my furry daughter cuddled together...

What more could a girl ask for, what more could anyone ask to have for that matter. All I know is that I cant wait to see!!! :-)

P.S. : My boobs are KILLER!!!!! ;-)

Life up-dates

Three months have past since my last update and its pretty damn impressive just how much changes in such little time... In these last ninety-ish days I've gone from happily full-time employed to happily full-time unemployed. There are certain things to which the person you are and the things you stand for cannot be compromised. Such was the case in regards to my former employer. Life as a somewhat newly transgendered adult have been in short, utterly amazing. I look back at pictures of the person I was in August of last year and its like looking into the eyes of a stranger physically. An experience I can somewhat describe as the eerie feeling of deja-vu coming to fruition. There are some close friends and people in my past who have chosen to step away and distance themselves with the changes that have blossomed in me. Its truly unfortunate though that they chose to do that I must say and the sole reason I write that is due to the fact that the best of me has yet to truly show itself. What I'm trying to get at is that if you enjoyed our company together in the past, if you hold memories of times spent with me before my transition, I can say that you are 100% missing out on so much more. Life has sped up, happiness has shown no limits and true friends and family have blessed my life with amazement. The story continues, like the described euphoric climb to the top of Mt. Everest. You take each step with purpose, you hold on to those you love like a climbers rope, a lifeline not only of survival but of wonder. When the mountain wind picks up, and the snowstorm attempts to unclench your grasp of the rope, you dig in your heels, stay centered  and persist onwards to your goal. In my experience for the most part, is when people see you fighting for something you believe in, its truly only a matter of time until the courage spills over onto them and like a mountain caravan of friends and family, everyone experiences the great things life has to offer. Helping each other take the next step up, offering a helping hand when someone slips and falls...

Ive written about the amazing person that brought me into this world a long time ago and the strength and compassion she carries. But she isn't the only incredible part of my family.  At the age of eight, my sister came into my life. This little bundle of smiles and attitude that no one could brush aside and ignore. From the get go, she was a very special person. She had a strength in character that was undeniable and to this day I admire. In her youth she would challenge my friends at whatever event or game was being played, without hesitation. There were many times in the wee hours of the morning after a teenage party that she sat co-pilot next to me while I drove. There were times we would be in the driveway at 3 A.M. washing the mud off of moms truck, or accompanying me to fetch a broken license plate in the middle of a swamp while the rest of the house was asleep. She was there. With a smile on her face and a complaint the furthest thing from her mind. Even more amazing about this little girl is the fact that she overcame the loss of her father at the young age of eight and blossomed into the one of the most amazing human beings I have ever had the chance of knowing. Our lives have been both blessed and cursed in ways you could say, but our connection and strength together has always seen us through the dark patches in our lives and will only continue to do so. To top off what she has brought into to my life, is the birth of my niece, and just when I thought that you couldn't pack any more character into such a small package... BOOM!! :) Together, the two of them have cemented the purpose and focus of my life. My energy has a place to be focused, my knowledge a place to be passed along to and my experiences a place to rest..

Hear I sit, present day staring into my pups eyes. Its very hard to say just when things are going to happen. I know there are certain major events in my life that are coming to be, but just when that time is I'm still uncertain. I have put my home up for sale with the decision to go back to school. The day of my breast surgery I feel is getting very close as well. Once that is done there will be on overflowing amount of focus to be guided onto other aspects of my life. The weight on my mind of not having breasts has been such a burden emotionally and its time is coming, and soon. Two months ago I began HRT(Hormone Replacement Therapy) The transformation process of HRT is a slow one and to different affects in different people. In that time, I have begun to see slight changes in the oiliness of my skin. Mentally there are slight differences as well. I do find my feeling of empathy(already a strong emotion for me) has increased, as well as my sensitivity to sadness and happiness. It seems to be more peaky rather than a gradual change. My days of turning wrenches as a means of monetary gain are coming to a long overdue close sometime in the future. Over that past 2 years I have purged most of the negatively impact-full things in my life, whether that be environmentally negative of socially negative. My toys are all self powered and my body has rewarded me. My truck has been sold and now become a car to save on fuel. Employment is coming to a head as well where I wont be affecting the environment in any negative way, something that has bothered me for a long time with my former employers. All of this has reinforced my decision to head back to school and make a difference in peoples lives and a difference in the environment. All of these physical things that I acquired and felt the need to own have all but gone away. I cherish all the memories I experienced with them there's no doubt, but now as I walk or hike rather than ride an ATV(All-Terrain Vehicle),  I feel like they were a diluted experience. Sure the speed thrill was there, but its such a small part of the experience of being outdoors. A subject I can and will go on about next time; Connection to the planet.....

To be continued...


My YouTube Channel
http://www.youtube.com/user/mikesspeed/videos

Boy To Girl - Man To Woman - Or Something Like That...

Its taken quite some time getting all of this off of my chest, 31 years to be exact. All of this self questioning, wondering if I should go through with transitioning, Wondering if it was going to be worth all of the extra stress and adversity. If you could, imagine leading everyone in your life that you've ever loved through a dark cave as one person. Upon reappearing at the other side of the tunnel, you look completely different to them all. Though, at the core of my being, the same person.. I find it truly amazing when I read such nice words in regards to these thoughts turned digital. It makes such a difference to know that these thoughts are being read and that this idea of how someone can live for so long hiding essentially an unbelievably huge part of who they are to even the closest of people is heard. I am not alone in this. I am not the only one like this.. There are many, many people in a similar state of mind and being that haven't found the strength to be who they "really" are. Stuck for whatever reason it may be, living a life not really their own. I am truly thankful every, single, day, that I can now wake up and leave my bed as myself. I still haven't yet gotten over some of the anxieties associated with my physical transition yet. I am sure that will come with time though as I do notice it less and less. Undoubtedly, a large reason for that has do to the amazing people in my life both friends and family.

Reminiscing my high school days always brings a smile to my face no matter what mood I'm in. As free as a spirit could be is the feeling I still get to this day when remembering those memories. The first couple of years were spent with the sole focus of laughing as much as humanly possible. At that time life offered what I can only describe as laugh attacks! Times spent rolling around hysterically at parties, even unable to physically stop! Then it happened, as it did in so many other lives. You meet someone. Mid-way through high school I began a relationship with a girl. (Which brings up another topic related to this that I'm sure to go over in the near future.) This was someone who I, for the first time, shared this emotional connection with that I'd never had until then. Someone who even after a day spent at school together, still wanted to hear their voice, to hear them breath even. What was this strange feeling, this wanting, this feeling of needing the other person around all the time. This emptiness I felt when they weren't around. I loved this girl, and she loved me. Just as a child grows though, so to does a relationship. I would liken it to a ship crossing an ocean, much of the way being spent cruising across a mirror like surface with the odd ripple or small wave. Occasionally though the sea's do get wavy and the end result is sink or swim. I look back on that pat of my life and in ways feel some feelings of betrayal in the manner to which it ended. I am however thankful at the same time to have made the decision to end it. She was the first person to whom I shared my thoughts in regards to my situation internally and the battle with who I was. She wasn't very supportive of it. And to be honest I understand where it comes from. She didn't like the clean shaven legs, she didn't like the fact that I wanted to look more feminine and she certainly didn't like the idea of me having breast augmentation surgery!  There are many more eyes on you when you differ so much from "the norm" and it takes a strong character to deal with all the attention. As my beautiful girlfriend said to me a month or two ago while in the mall  together for the first time "I feel like celebrity!!" The eyes aren't always on me now, they're also on my girlfriend, friend or , or family even. 

So whats the first thing people always ask me. Well that's a pretty easy thing to answer. Even with all of the LGBT movements going on in in recent years, gender and sexuality seem to still be intertwined for the most part. The first question I normally get is; So do you like men now? Well for me anyway, the answer is no. Ive never been attracted to men on a physical basis. Ive always been attracted to females. Never quite got that feeling of attraction when looking at guys. Gender and sexuality are two completely separate things, I cant stress that enough! I supose if you had to label me, trans-lesbian would fit the bill. man I hate labels!!  Till next time! Birthday to celebrate, maybe the birthday candles will be generous this year and provide some birthday boobies :) One can only dream!!!

To be continued...

From Seeds Of Strength

So here my family was left, as if a member of our herd had been taken by the wolves. A mom and three children to take on the world. Sometimes tragedy can be a path to good things, to greatness even. A life without struggles is like food without any taste, or music that you can never hear.  It really is what YOU make of it when you get down to it. Every time Ive been brought to a point of weakness, its pushed me to get through it. Because past the point of despair lies an even greater happiness. Its proven itself time and time again in my life and the lives of those around me. Whether the struggles be from physical trauma or they be in the form of emotional pain. This trait I feel is one that Ive been blessed with by not only my father, but maybe even more so by my mother.

Due to my fathers disease, mom had to take the reigns financially while I was growing up. I clearly remember picking her up with my dad and brother from work at very young ages in the family car after her day was over. Looking up at her third floor window from the street, waiting on mom to come home. She is one of, if not the gentlest of souls one could ever meet, but a tigress when it came to protecting her children. Her love was clear to see for all, it was never questioned and it never wavered. My mother has been able to keep a part of her inner child with her to this very day. That free spirited outlook to the wonders of this world. To say she is strong would definitely be the understatement of the century. She was her children's pillar. She was our stone to lean against when our feet got tired. Our shoulder to cry on when life got messy. She was our caretaker when life got you down, and the best part is... She is still with us. As a child you grow, and in my case grow fast. I remember stealing my moms running shoes for the simple reason that I could now fit in them. I remember her running down the street with me, racing back home my legs feeling as though they were barely touching the ground. I remember that huge smile she had, happy that she was just, there with me... The days where I would come home, clothes soaked with water and mud she wouldn't say very much. Maybe that was because she knew just how much fun I must have had or because she wished she had been there as well. It must have been very difficult raising three very active children. I'm sure the feeling of needing to be split into three must have crept into her mind. What i think helped her was in fact that connection with her inner child. It allowed her to maintain a connection with her children even though it was impossible to be with each of them at all times. To lose touch with your inner child is to lose the anchor of just who you are. Its what keeps you grounded, its what keeps you driven, its what keeps you honest, kind and caring. Your inner child is what allows you to dream big, it frees your imagination from the traps that life sometimes throws your way. It widens your view and broadens your perspective on life, allowing you to take things for what they are...

When I came out to my mom about how I felt growing up, how I had hidden this part of me for so long from everyone, at first there was shock. Which I have to say, kind of surprised me in the beginning due to her having found some of her clothing stashed in my room at multiple times while growing up. I really thought she may have suspected it but just never said anything. It seems that those times to her were just seen as "part of growing up". We were always close, still are in fact. She is usually the first person I seek counsel from for most everything. Though in hindsight, I'm sure there were signs she now sees. Mïta is now her eldest, and Mike is now gone. I have been blessed with the greatest family that anyone could ever dream of. A group of people that see me for the person I am and have always been even though presented in a different form. I see it as a lesson in my life lived. Perhaps karma is a force, a force of what you make it. Be negative in this world and this force will see you to the end in way filled with pain regardless of shape. Live a positive life however, and treasures will fall upon you landing in your path allowing you to pick the up and continue the circle. Never let go of the childlike brightness inside of you. It will guide you honestly through tough times. And if all else fails.... As a wise man once said "What goes around, is all around!*" Words to live by if I ever heard them.

More to come.... And feel free to comment..



* Ricky of the The Trailer Park Boys

Familiar Ground..

As the school years past by and the calendar pages turned, my feelings began to sort themselves out. By the age of ten I knew that I wasn't one of the boys. I started playing hockey around the age of four. Hockey was a good sport for me, it allowed a release of my overflowing energy as a child. It was also one of the first experiences when I positively knew that my thoughts didn't match boys of my age, not even in the slightest. Boys that seemed so focused on being accepted and part of the group. Boys that were strong when many but broke when alone. It was sometimes difficult for me in the change room on the hockey teams. I felt out of place and in many ways out of character. I played hockey in some ways for me, it was fun some of the time, though my main reason for playing it for so long was in fact because it brought so much joy to my dad. You see, when I had played a good game, the happiness and pride that it brought to my father was beyond explanation. Did I enjoy playing hockey? For the most part I did, but it truly was because of the joy it brought my dad. That for me was the driving force to keep playing. To see him smile, to hear the pride in his voice as he spoke to the other parents. It was difficult some times to find motivation, specially on the those August summer days spent out at the cottage and then having to travel home due to the hockey summer camp starting.

 

 Recalling the days at home in my youth bring many smiles. For a while, there was a time where I was simply a kid. The struggle to find out who I was stopped. Sure there were some times were I would be hanging out with a female friend and my psyche would wonder. This beautiful creature in front of me, so similar and yet so very different. The age of ten came, and strong self discovery and emotion along with it. The nights of sneaking female clothing into my room once again began to flood my mind and will. There was that feeling again, a feeling of fulfillment and of being whole again. Like I had the chance to become myself at night, to be calm
and free. Free of the shackles that bound me to the mold of what normal was. Thankfully, in my eyes anyways, I was blessed with lacking the usual kick of male puberty. It came later for me than most kids  and with much less of a kick, more of a gentle tap I would say. To this very day in my thirties and not taking any female hormones, I can barely grow a goatee, my body has stayed as close to hairless as could be, and actually having less body hair than past girlfriends, much to their dismay I might add. I began keeping my legs clean shaven around the age of sixteen, though even there not having very much to speak of. By this time it wasn't about knowing I was different, it was trying to figure out the extend of just what those differences were. At the age of sixteen though, I was still deeply grieving the passing of my father. It was truly a difficult time on two fronts, having these ever growing feeling of who I was and this other reality of feeling forced to be "the man" in the family. Taking care of the power equipment around the house was now all up to me, watching out for my family and keeping them safe was now on my shoulders. There could be no way that I bring the monster of difference to them, not now, and maybe not forever, or so I thought. This monster of a reality that would affect me till my thirties, bending my character to the point of breaking. In my teens I was fortunate however, to live in an apartment in the basement of my mothers house. A haven of self discovery and freedom had finally come to my life and most probably saved my life...


More to come....

To be one of the girls..

I'm sitting here mid memory, wondering what in my mind clicked to female at such a young age. Could it have been something in my early past or possibly a parental problem? Hmmm... Dad was such a stoic person in my eyes. A person that I really did want to be like. He was strong, yet fairly soft in voice, though there was a point like anyone where he couldn't take things in such a soft breath. He was a man of the greatest of pride in his children, and to the very core of his character loved my mom till the day he passed. When I was five, my dad developed Hodgkin's Lymphoma, a cancer of the lymph nodes. He fought four very hard battles with cancer sending the cancer into remission 3 separate times. Each time he would come back and show everyone around him just how strong of a person he was. Though in the end he did succumb to the disease, he left behind a legacy that will never be forgotten. This was a man who struggled with showing deep emotion in certain ways. I can say that I can only recall my dad crying three times in front of me and I can only recall him saying "I love you" twice. He wanted so much for his children that when he first seen me come home from the hospital with a cast around my leg.. He cried. On the day he picked me up from school to drive to Sudbury for an appointment because of his cancer coming back, we exited the van and I had to catch my dad mid step due to the cancer sapping the strength from him.. He cried. The night he passed was an enchanting night to say the least. The snowflakes fell from the night sky that night like stars floating down from the heavens. I remember them landing on my moms jacket, sitting on the fur that lined her hood like small birds in a tree. That night I said my last goodbye to my dad. I was able to hear the words "I love you", I was able to see his last tear fall and to finally see his pain end. When I think of him now, there are certain pictures that instantly pop into my head from my past. Such as the one where we're proudly displaying our catch of fish from our day out ice fishing. Or the one where he's holding me up in the pool, no more than a year old.. Witnessing my dad pass at the age of fifteen was very difficult to say the least. In ways it was a passing of the torch so to speak. His life, battles, struggles, pride and happiness through the days built a foundation of strength in his kids I believe. As a male roll model, one could have no better....

At the age of three, I had my first encounter with the differences in my gender. Sharing a room with my brother, it was very difficult to experience what was calling me. I felt like it had to be hidden, kept away for fear of what would happen if mom or dad would see me. At the age of three you don't know who you are as a person. How can you really when life has taken a hold of you for so little time. What I did know at that time though, was that I wanted to wear certain things that my mom would wear. It began by sneaking articles of clothing to bed before it was time and playing the waiting game till it was time to go to sleep. The joy and fulfillment I can recall having is very hard to put into words. It was like when I was wearing these clothes, that I was removing a mask that I felt I had to wear. That feeling of comfort when crawling into bed and pulling the sheets over yourself, that's the sense of calm that came over me. Also, a sense of delight, blissful like that slow bite you take from a moist piece of chocolate cake. I did this all throughout my childhood, the same routine of sneaking clothes into bed hoping that no one would find out, and every time it brought these feelings, every time! The nights where I was unable to experience that feeling for whatever reason, brought strong frustration usually followed by a punch to the mattress. Living life as a boy at that age for me had to be done. Those were the times, that was the card I was handed. Scared of what would happen if I were to speak my mind and share these "unusual" thoughts of who I was. Perhaps it was the pressure of wanting to please my parents, not wanting to let them down in any way. In a way, sacrificing who I was just to help maintain a sense of ease and not wanting to create chaos. Did I wish I could be like the girls in my class at school? Every. Single. Day...

More to come....

In the begining...

    So... If  you don't know who I am you may be wondering, just who is this "strange/different" person.  Well, my name is Mïta, up until about  8 months ago I had been living my life as a man. From a very young age I have struggled  with the status of just what gender I was.  This is the story of how Mike was finally able to find the strength within himself to become the woman he/she truly was. This is a story of someone living their life... And living another life at the same time. My story is fairly short, 32 times around the sun to be exact. A life filled with amazing happiness, great sorrow and unforgettable experiences. Since realising my true self, life has thrown positive experience after positive experience onto my path. Helping me realise just how precious life is as well as just how short a time we truly have to live our dreams and see all that we dream of seeing. My goal with bringing this out to everyone is to hopefully gather awareness  of transgender issues, to show people that amazing things come to those who are honest with themselves and good  to others.

    My life as Mike began as any other young boys does. I grew up in northern Ontario Canada. I have two younger siblings. I had two very loving and kind parents whose sole goal it seemed was to bring as much happiness and positive experiences in their children's lives as they could. Mike as a child was very reserved though confident and overly kind to most everyone. A bit of a daredevil at times when out in nature or with a bike underneath. Till the age of around 7 I attended Sunday church with my family, not missing very many masses. I was truly blessed with being able to stay connected with nature as a child. My father was an avid boater and snowmobile enthusiast which led to a life of enjoying all this area had to offer. Whether it was swimming, boating, snowmobiling or fishing, everyday was filled with amazing adventure. I sometimes struggled to fit in at school but realised at a very young age that I would rather lead than follow. I spent a lot of time playing the role of protector throughout my elementary school  years. Defending the kids who struggled more than i did with their peers. In a way that role as guardian may have singled me out, helping me see that being different wasn't a bad thing. I was a tall kid, more often than not the tallest in my class even till the end of secondary school. My mom tells me stories she would hear through teacher-parent  meetings of  my role in watching out for those less fortunate than me. To this day I feel that life really does reciprocate what you put into it. It must! Is has to be this way!  Hard work, helping others in need and staying positive no matter what life throws your way I believe are the major reasons I think why life has led me down this path of happiness and self discovery. So then, at what age did I first struggle with feelings that I wasn't the boy in the mirror? Well, my first ever experience in questioning my gender was at the age of 3. You know its funny how I can remember all of these terrible physical pain experiences at very young ages. Such as putting my hand on the stove element at the age of 3, crystal clear in my mind, or the time I touched the glowing red muffler on the lawn mower. Pain so excruciating, my mind imprinted that memory to the utmost clarity to protect my future self from making the same mistake again. Then there's this memory sans any pain, in fact its a memory of utmost calm and happiness. My wanting to to see what it was like to do what girls did and experience what girls at that age experienced. You have to remember that, in those days(god I'm old lol)there was no computer in the house at all!  You went out and made friends in the neighbourhood and played outside, waiting for my mom or dad to yell out into the back yard to come home for supper or lunch. I remember having strong feelings of envy of my female friends. Wondering what it must be like to be like them.. To be a girl.

To be continued...